I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
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I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
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So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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