The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize