I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
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So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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