I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
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It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
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If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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