I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
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