the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
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I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
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Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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