i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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