Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
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3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
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You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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