So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
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I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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