i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
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Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
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Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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