I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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