I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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