I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
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My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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