It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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