People in love make me want to vomit
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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