Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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