youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
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Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
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I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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