Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
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My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
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I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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