I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
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TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
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Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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