all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
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She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
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I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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