So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
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Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
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When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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