You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm like, not good at living.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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