I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
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He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
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I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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