I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
a search helicopter?!
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How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
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