Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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