I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
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Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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