my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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