All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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