dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
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If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
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I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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