my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
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they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
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I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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