i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
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i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
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I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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