Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
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I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
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Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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