The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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