it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
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We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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