Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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