Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you didnt know i had herpes?
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at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
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My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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