You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I can't turn off my feet"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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