Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
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mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
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After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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