I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
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My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
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It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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