last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
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I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
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I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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