Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
where are my eyebrows?
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