just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
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I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
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After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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