I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
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If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
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Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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