when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
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We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
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I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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