Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
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I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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