dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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