I swear she didn't look like that last week.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
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Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
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Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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