It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
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at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
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Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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