I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Houston, we have a squirter
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
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All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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