I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
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He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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